| Author | Message | ||
| Mudcat Miller
New member Username: mudcat Post Number: 43 Registered: 08-2005 |
Wrong pocket Malcolm had been doddering of late. A bit forgetful, prone to aches, needful of the afterwine repose. So it was that Deirdre fretted that he might embarrass all with his remarks upon her wedding day. He would not be thwarted, ranting, “Nonsense, child, I will address the celebrants who drink my cellar dry.” Signs were mixed as dawned the day. Mottled sky and two dead crickets floating in the bowl of golden punch. When the time was ripe, crystal goblets struck with silver knives rang out. Malcolm nodded, patting pockets as he stood. “Friends,” he said with brio, reading from a scrap of paper, “Cato notes that life is long if washing genitals in urine of a cabbage eater. See page eighty-four. Kill them all, God will know his own, page ninety-eight. Big Bastard, herding tuna through the corridor of doom, ninety-nine. Final chamber, see one hundred one.” Deirdre’s head was down, so she didn’t see the congregation rise. But she heard the cheering and the bright applause. “Oh,” she said. Then, “Yes.” Then she stood and joined the ranks in the clapping with the other damaged souls. | ||
| Cornelius Vanvig
Member Username: corneliusvanvig Post Number: 64 Registered: 08-2005 |
Mudcat, The Cato "quote" alone it worth the price of admission. C | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1287 Registered: 11-2004 |
Oh Mudcat,you have delighted me! Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm applauding, too!!! take care~dale | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2872 Registered: 07-2002 |
Mudcat, This is a wry piece that needs to break out of its stanza-handcuffs into flash fiction. Enjoyed very much. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| "A-Bear"
Moderator Username: dane Post Number: 1368 Registered: 11-1998 |
I like Lisa's suggestion, Mudcat. It would make an even finer impression and allow for more elaboration. Enjoyed. D | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5190 Registered: 11-1998 |
Ah, don't we all need a Malcolm in our lives, Mudcat. I've had three weddings (so far *ahem*), and needless to say, there were no toasts as creative as this one. You had me smiling and cheering at the end right along with all the participants. Good job on pulling your readers right into the action! In addition to what Lisa offered, I would caution you about structure like this: "Signs were mixed as dawned the day." Although the piece does have an old time flavor to it, I don't think they talked like this even then. Go for real life speech patterns, i.e., Signs were mixed as the day dawned." Awkward structure like you have in that line only calls too much attention to itself and reminds a reader that he is reading, an unwanted interruption. | ||
| Mudcat Miller
New member Username: mudcat Post Number: 44 Registered: 08-2005 |
Thanks much for the input. This started as a result of the things I learned here last week about "found poems." Coincidentally, I found in an old coat pocket a note about Cato and the cabbage eater, etc., with page numbers. How poignant, to find a note from yourself and wonder what the hell you were talking about. Somewhere along the way the thing morphed from a Mudcat-found poem into Malcolm finding the note in the wedding day coat. The wording veered old-timey to make the meter work. Maybe a bit of tongue-in-cheek epic structure too. Thanks again, all. | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1254 Registered: 11-2003 |
really love this what an excellent poem laurie | ||
| Mudcat Miller
New member Username: mudcat Post Number: 46 Registered: 08-2005 |
Thanks for that, Laurie. |
